For all (two or three) of the fiercely avid fans of my weekly writings, I regret to inform you that this week’s piece has been canceled. And not in the cultural way like Aunt Jemima. The truth is, I’ve been up all night dealing with rebel daisy. He was beside himself because he claimed he met his doppelganger. At the time that he told me, I had to sigh. We all knew that this day would come. Well, he didn’t know it, obviously. And maybe I didn’t either. Because, really, what are the chances of encountering another unrooted daisy wearing jeans and army boots who also goes by the name rebel daisy? In retrospect, I wasn’t expecting it at all.

Anyhow, perhaps you’ve taken a gander at the rendering I did above of rebel daisy and his newly found twin. That depiction was executed at 4:47 this morning and based purely on rebel daisy’s account of their meeting. Given the overall lack of sleep and the copious amounts of sugar-coated marshmallows I’d consumed by then, I’d say I did a commendable job. rebel daisy, as usual, disagreed. He had some concerns that my interpretation made the other rebel daisy look more manly and in possession of larger genitals. Personally, I don’t see it. But the artist rarely does.

Now, you might be wondering what the other rebel daisy is saying. It turns out that siapa sih kamul!? roughly translates to what the HELL is going on!? in Indonesian. Yes, rebel daisy told me that the other rebel daisy hails from Indonesia and actually goes by bunga aster pemberontak. He added that the other rebel daisy sometimes shortened that name to ‘ron’ – which I thought made perfect sense. rebel daisy said he shortened it to ‘bung’ instead – which I thought was juvenile and a bit mean-spirited and helped me to verify him as the original rebel daisy.

But it turns out there was no need for that. There is no second rebel daisy. Indonesian or otherwise. I’d been fooled.

The whole thing was a ruse. Dissatisfied with my lack of placing him front and center on my blog, THIS blog, in the recent past, he decided to conjure up this ludicrous story and keep me up all night as retribution. He is a vengeful sort. Especially for a flower. (Though he likes to remind me that I’ve not yet met a Venus Flytrap, so I don’t really “know shit.” He’s also an eloquent sort.) Perhaps you feel that I should have punished him rather than publish this; that to now give him such unwarranted attention merely plays into his trickery. And you’d be right. The problem is, the dude is a fixture of my mind. So he sure as hell isn’t going anywhere. And I’m tired. I really want to take a nap. So this one’s for you, rebel daisy. And yeah, for bunga aster pemberontak too.

Ron for short.

(EXT. PAN ACROSS OVERWHELMINGLY VERDANT NOOK IN A FOREST)

VOICE OVER ANNOUNCER: Deep in the woods where weird plants and even weirder fungi call the shots, a yearly forum on the impact of climate change is held. In the past, it was a largely casual affair. Except for the year when Rachel Carson promised to drop in for a cameo appearance (FLASH TO FOOTAGE OF PARACHUTER DROPPING INTO WOODS) and the enterprising flora served canapés and petit fours, there was typically little to no fanfare. This year, that all changed when a very… confident… voice rang out from the podium at the beginning of the event. It was the voice of none other than rebel daisy.

(EXT. WOODS, A SMALL DAISY STANDS AT A MAKESHIFT PODIUM PASSIONATELY GESTICULATING AND OCCASIONALLY SPINNING AROUND FOR REASONS UNKNOWN)

(VO) ANNOUNCER: Who is rebel daisy, you ask? Well, it should first be noted that rebel daisy is… a fella. Just like his father and grandfather (FLASH TO IMAGES OF FATHER AND GRANDFATHER) before him. No gender fluidity there. (light laughter before returning to serious tone) A bright white flower with a yellow face that gives the impression of a prolonged case of jaundice, rebel daisy is the planet’s ultimate sponsor – a title he, and he alone, has bestowed upon himself. rebel daisy prides himself on having no roots. He stylishly dons a pair of jeans and army boots as though in a cologne commercial (BRIEF FLASH TO ANY OVER-THE-TOP COLOGNE COMMERCIAL FOOTAGE) and travels freely without dependence on bees, the wind, or the feces of a creature to carry his seed. While he considers himself a real lady’s man, this point is… widely disputed (FLASH TO SERIES FLOWERS SHAKING THEIR HEADS ‘NO.’) As another component of his rebellious spirit, rebel daisy never capitalizes his name and chastises anyone who does. This isn’t always well-received, as there is, I think we can all agree, already enough chastising to go around (FLASH TO SERIES OF BLOWHARD POLITICIANS). Even so, he is… somewhat at least… respected at the forest floor level. Which is saying something. Though what that is, nobody knows for sure. Whatever the case, rebel daisy took it upon himself to organize the entire event this past year from beginning to end without accepting help from anybody else. In a planning feat that he called ‘nothing short of a miracle’ but that others labeled ‘aggressively floral,’ he promised a keynote speaker who spoke with such caramel-coated elegance that the attendees would “wet themselves” – which in plant speak means something a little different than in human speak. He was, of course, referring to himself. And did he deliver? Let’s just say that the jury is still out. Which, unfortunately, we mean literally. 

BRIEF INTERIOR SHOT OF JURY BOX FULL OF POTTED PLANTS

EXTERIOR SHOT OF WOODS, rEBEL dAISY AT PODIUM

(VO) ANNOUNCER: The event began smoothly enough with rebel daisy at the podium delivering his opening statement. He went on to share some juicy morsels about how the same sun shines on each of us and how life unfolds in a growing spiral. The audience seemed moved. Even the late-blooming squash began to extend herself over the ground (FLASH TO MOTIONLESS SQUASH). rebel daisy then went on to share a very long series of what he called climate change haikus.

EXT. CLOSE UP SHOT OF rEBEL dAISY

rEBEL DAISY: (takes deep breath and stares up at the sky)

cicadas love song

floats through Asian town before

cyclone flattens it

(rebel daisy shifts from one foot to the other and takes another deep breath while shifting focus to ground)

winding canyon road           

calm, peaceful, then swallowed by   

earthquake and mudslide

(rebel daisy takes an extreme dramatic pause that should be edited for the sake of the production but won’t be and extends arms out wide)

postcard beach day                   

all is quiet as Earth winks                   

the hurricane’s eye

(VO) ANNOUNCER: While many found the haikus… well, relevant at least … they began to take an ugly turn when rebel daisy unexpectedly used them as a platform to air grievances about a Black-Eyed Susan who’d done him wrong and a Forget-Me-Not he’d rather not remember. (FLASH TO FOOTAGE OF rEBEL dAISY NOW GESTICULATING MADLY) Soon, he was degrading the moral fabric of any plant that, when viewed under a microscope, was made up of tiny six-sided polygons. That was the final straw. Chaos ensued. (FLASH TO MONTAGE OF CHAOS-RELATED SCENARIOS SUCH AS TORNADOS, FLOODS, BOOK-BURNING EVENTS, ETC.) rebel daisy was escorted from the podium by a security detail consisting of three shrews. He spewed shrew-specific slurs, accusing them and others, including a handful of flowers, of being anthophobic. Often a victim of his rage… which he conveniently refers to as passion… he kicked one of the shrews with his steel-toed boots. (FLASH TO MOMENT OF rEBEL dAISY KICKING SMALL SHREW WHILE OTHER TWO SHREWS GRAB HIM AND HOLD HIM DOWN) Unfortunately, the injured shrew pressed charges and now rebel daisy awaits trial from his cell at the notorious and deadly Nightshade Prison. All of this begging the question: What will happen to the self-professed sponsor for the planet Earth? Stay tuned… 

*(modified excerpts from Braiding Sweetgrass by Robin Wall Kimmerer)