Here’s the deal. The senses provide nourishment for the brain. But if that nourishment is comprised of mostly cruelty and suffering, how can the brain thrive? The straight answer? It cannot.

Since the Eclipse, darkness reigns. It’s not the internal darkness that dictated most of my life and which I spent decades taming and abating. This is a different animal. This is an interminable dark night of the soul that has been imposed by the Eclipse and those responsible for making it happen. It’s a cruel joke. Just one of many.

I spend the afternoons on my porch these days, writing and observing and mostly trying to find some sense of peace. Meanwhile, many of the young Hispanic and Latino men in my southwest Detroit neighborhood are restless, to put it mildly. They’ve been stripped of their jobs and lost family members to deportation after INS raids. With nothing to do and no purpose to push them through their day, they, as most hopeless and hormone-fueled young men, cause trouble. I watch the scene play out day after day. It’s like viewing any number of those trite post-apocalyptic TV shows that aired pre-Eclipse. The young men roam around, trying to entertain themselves with borderline or even outright criminal behavior. Then the mostly white police force descends to manage “these animals” and “save the day.” To call it a war on a crime is a hideous misnomer. There is no war – as there is a gross imbalance of power between the two factions. It all belongs to the cops who now have unimaginable power AND rights to persecute, no questions asked. So much for innocent until proven guilty. That flew out the window (or was flushed down the crapper) with the Constitution about 16 months ago with the onset of the Eclipse. 

I suppose some would find this jacked-up version of outlaw justice excusable. Even entertaining. I’m not one of them. What I do find enjoyable, however, are the antics of Emilio Marquez. 

I’ve known Emilio since he moved here from Mexico when he was eight years old. I tutored him for that first year and recognized his brilliance even then. He is also blessed with a mild temperament that harmonized with that of his fierce abuela’s who kept him in line and ensured he stayed out of trouble. She has since passed; which is its own blessing given the current circumstances. But her spirit is strong in Emilio. He is currently spearheading an underground resistance movement to give these young men purpose and meaning. And to watch him interact with the cops is to witness a celebrated actor perform a role with Oscar-winning precision. It is method acting at its finest and it gives me hope. Yet I also fear for him. I fear for a lot of people these days. Especially my father.

My father is that odd combination of scientist and artist. And this, by the estimation of the Eclipse, makes him a double threat. Neither artist nor scientist can be trusted, we are told. Words that echo a chilling era in the not-too-distant past. My father simply waves away my fears (as he’s always done) and assures me that all is well. It’s not. But with him, I’m willing to play the game. I adore my father’s wisdom and warm humor. He’s always said that learning from our own mishaps isn’t as safe as learning from someone else’s. He believes that we feel what we see and experience others as self. So that’s how he chooses to view this whole debacle. This does little to quell my fear though. Never one to take to prayer before the Eclipse, I do so every night now that he won’t vanish like Amina’s father did. 

Thinking back to the last night I saw Amina’s father, I recall we were only two months into the Eclipse and still (foolishly, perhaps) believed everything might be okay. It was Ramadan and Amina and her mother, Sona, were cooking the first iftar of the month. They worked side by side to prepare the ritual foods; chopping onions for the bourek and the Algeria soup, while kneading the semolina dough for the khobz eddar – some of the Algerian delicacies from Sona’s childhood. They also diligently attended torubbing spices on the djaj mhammer – a twice-cooked marinated chicken that was part of her father’s childhood Ramadan celebrations in neighboring Morocco. I also recall Amina’s grandmother sitting in the kitchen at their small Hamtramck house and bemoaning the difficulty she had taking her medication. Amina, who was a pharmacist before the Eclipse took hold, immediately set to cutting her grandmother’s pills to a more manageable size. The gratitude her grandmother expressed was so gracious and sincere, it moved me to tears – which at the time, surprised me.

It’s been over a year since her father’s disappearance, though it feels like many more. I don’t think he’s coming back. I’ve witnessed too much unthinkable cruelty and suffering over the past year to think otherwise. And any tenuous belief I may have had in miracles has long since dissolved. I would never say as much to Amina though. She continues to hang onto hope that he’ll return. I understand it. But it feels to me like trying to fly a tattered kite on a windy day.

When looking in the mirror or at the faces of my fellow humans these days, I DO still cling to finding a likeness to a God I never before believed in. It feels like an increasingly pointless venture though. Because at the end of the day, finding any such likeness is essentially an admission that God is indifferent at best, a ruthless killer at worst. 

And that’s a hard pill to swallow. No matter how you cut it.