Would it be so extraordinary for a pig to fly? They wouldn’t be the first mammal to do it. Bats cornered the market on that one. Then there’s the petaurus. You may know it better as a sugar glider. Or you may not know it at all. But the petaurus, as the name implies, doesn’t so much fly as glide.

So maybe a flying pig would be extraordinary.

Consider the pig’s poop, for instance. It’s most certainly larger than that of a goose, a turkey vulture, or even the exceedingly wide-wing-spanned albatross. Thus, the incidence of more sizable excrement droppings on sidewalks, vehicles, and statues (formerly the pigeon’s domain) would certainly be of some concern. Unless you’re into that kind of thing. In which case, you should seek some help.

Then there’s the issue of the pig’s appetite. Those guys (and gals, to be fair) love to nosh. Case in point? If you consume an entire pizza followed by an entire birthday cake, nobody will accuse you of being a titmouse – though it’s one of the funnier named animals for those with a penchant for juvenile humor. No, they will accuse you of being a pig. Because pigs. Like. To. Eat. Which brings us back to the excrement issue. It’s one thing to avoid the wormy droppings of the majestic cardinal. In fact, it’s almost an honor. Such a pretty bird. It’s another thing altogether to dodge a meaty shit grenade speckled with corn, roofing tiles, and peanut butter M&Ms. It’s a chilling notion. 

Now, perhaps you’re the (annoyingly) optimistic type. You may think, “Hey! I like pigs! I think it would be downright delightful to witness pigs flitting about in the sky with their cute pink bodies and cartoonish noses.” And while that IS an arguably delightful image, imagine the horror you would experience when people start shooting pigs out of the sky because bacon and pulled pork are now hunted meats. How do you like your flying pigs now, optimists!? 

Okay. The reality is that nobody would be shooting flying pigs out of the sky because no one would continue to advocate for pork, bacon, or any other pig meat to be considered its own food group. With their new ability to fly, their muscles would become as lean and sinewy as a supermodel’s. Or a cat’s. And despite what you’ve heard reported as truth by certain news media outlets lately, nobody wants to eat cats.

So for now, it’s probably best that the pig stays earthbound. Because, let’s face it, an LT isn’t much of a sandwich.