Hi. Good morning, all. (SHUFFLES) Well, I suppose it may not be a good morning for some of you. (UNCOMFORTABLE LAUGH) To be honest, it’s not a great one for me. You see, I’m not much of a speaker so you’ll have to excuse me if I’m a bit nervous up here. (CLEARS THROAT, PAUSES) In fact, I was a bit surprised that Eunice and Harv requested me to speak at their funeral because they knew this about me. (WINCES, SHIFTS WEIGHT FROM ONE FOOT TO THE OTHER) But here I am. (LONG PAUSE) What can I say about Eunice and Harv? Harv and Eunice? (VOICE SHAKES, LOOKS DOWN AT SHEET ON PODIUM, TAKES DEEP BREATH) Well, I suppose I’ll start with Harv. Harv was a man. I suppose he was, uh, a man of intellect. And I’ll tell you what. If there’s a land in the afterlife where intellectuals go, then he will govern for a long, long time there. (SMILES WINCINGLY, MOVES SINGLE PIECE OF PAPER FROM ONE SIDE OF PODIUM TO THE OTHER, TAKES ANOTHER LONG PAUSE) And then there was Eunice. I think we can all agree that Eunice was, well, a looker. (DEEP SIGH) Even in her later years. But I gotta be frank here. I don’t think I ever saw her happy. Not once. In fact, I asked her one day if she was sad and she said, get this. (PAUSES AND TAKES BREATH) She said, “I am like a child who cannot bring herself to smile.” (SHAKES HEAD) She always had a flair for drama. Said she didn’t see much of a difference between being angry and pretending not to be. (LOOKS UP AWKWARDLY, THEN BACK DOWN TO SHEET, THEN BACK UP, SHAKING HEAD) Eh, who am I fooling? To be honest, there’s nothing on this sheet. See? (HOLDS UP BLANK PIECE OF PAPER, CRUMBLES IT, AND TOSSES IT OFF TO THE SIDE) Because eulogies are supposed to be about remembering all the nice stuff about folks, right? (MURMURS FROM AUDIENCE) And truth is, I just plain don’t have any good memories of Harv and Eunice. They weren’t… nice people. (RAISES VOICE) Harv and Eunice were monsters! I mean, they didn’t eat babies or anything. Though they were monsters to their own babies. (LOWERS VOICE) Why, Young Calvin once told me Eunice expected to be thanked for giving him life. (ELEVATES VOICE AGAIN) Every. Single. Day. (POUNDS HIS FIST FOR EACH SYLLABLE, SHAKES HEAD, LOWERS VOICE) Apparently, she thought it appropriate to provide him visuals on how his birth affected her… nether-regions. (GASPS ACCOMPANIED BY THE CLUTCHING OF PEARLS COME FROM THE AUDIENCE) But Harv was no better. If you never heard him talk down to his kids, believe you me when I tell you it was chilling. Especially the way he talked to Ellie. He’d do it at baseball games, school events, even at her own birthday celebration! (SHAKES HEAD) My stars. That poor girl. Why my own sweet mother, God rest her soul, who only ever had kind words for people referred to Harv as a stomachful. And she didn’t mean anything nice by it, let me tell you. Let’s just say she was even less gracious about Eunice. (PAUSES AND LOOKS OUT OVER AUDIENCE) And yet, here we all are. Remembering and even honoring this vile and pitiful pair by spending valuable time pretending they were something they weren’t. What IS that? What was their secret? What in the world is wrong with us? How did they get this hold on us? (GRABS OWN THROAT AND PUTS CHOKEHOLD) Well, I’ll tell you what. I’ll have no more of it. I’m done. Because Eunice was right. There really isn’t much of a difference between being angry and pretending not to be. And today I’m opting for the former. I’m not going to go so far as to set one person’s car on fire and poison another. But can you really blame their kids? Even if they are demon spawn, I gotta admit that the world is a little brighter without that particular brand of darkness that was Harv and Eunice. I’m glad they’re dead. Yessir. (NODS EMPHATICALLY) That’s all I have to say about that. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go to the pub, relax, and have a drink and a line of coke. (SMILES) Three at the most.

It is Tuesday, after all. 

(excerpts from Tao Te Ching by Lao Tzu)